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I have a soul of lead // So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.

William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Apologies for the unexpected absence last week, I fell victim to a nasty case of the flu that’s had me down and out pretty much since then. I haven’t had the flu in… honestly, I can’t remember when, so it was something I kind of had to just wing it through. Didn’t expect it to be that big of a deal – I’m notoriously resilient even when I come down with things – but, like I said at the start, it laid me out. At first, despite the cold sweats, temperature swings, violent coughing fits, and intense headaches, I’d be lying if I said I hated the time off. Sure, it was mostly miserable and all the work remained something for me to do later, but it was what it was. That lasted for all of about a day. Turns out, I hate not being able to do anything. I expected that to be the case, but now I’ve got it proved out. Yes, I’ve wanted to catch up on some shows and games, but there’s only so much time I can give to unproductive things before I start to lose my mind.

Speaking of losing my mind, another side effect of the flu has been a general haze and difficulty giving a whole lot of thought to anything. That, and the occasional overwhelming wave of sweat, was what kept me off the work grind for as long as I was. I tried a few times to get back in the swing of things only to find myself just sort of staring at whatever project I was on, not really doing anything. So, back to being a vegetable.

It got to the point where I didn’t really want to watch anything. Or play anything. Or, really, do anything. I was tired of watching, of playing, of reading, and I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to do anything productive. Sort of my own little torture, really. This month had been set up to be one of my most productive since I started tracking goals, and I was on pretty good course to hit most of it down the line. That’s all in shambles now, and while the normal, logical side of me understands that’s just how it is and there’s no real avoiding it, another part is seething at the failure. At the continued failures, really. This is all just another in a long string, in the end. My failure inertia had me making excuses to not write this post, either, and just let another pin drop. Thankfully, public commitment seems to work well on me (obviously), so here I am, telling myself not to be a bitch, get in position under that boulder, and start pushing.

Which, naturally, makes me wonder how much I could have just willed and forced myself through earlier this week. How much did I allow to fall flat when it wasn’t necessary? Yes, rest was more important, but surely there was time to do something, the little shoulder devil says. Lucky for me, I’m still a little too fried to want to give him the time of day.

So, the last week was a bust. Oh, well. Toss it on the pile. I’ve allowed more than my fair share of those, this one just has the added benefit of being one with a reason. Nothing to get bent out of shape over there, and nothing to do now but pull that list up and see what’s left to salvage. The year’s almost half way over, somehow, and I’ve got a mountain left to climb.

As always, one step at a time, my friends. Onward, upward, etc. This boulder’s not gonna push itself, and these stories aren’t going to tell themselves. You’d think I expect them to at the rate I’m going.