[T]hat old September feeling, left over from school days, of summer passing, vacation nearly done, obligations gathering, books and football in the air… Another fall, another turned page: there was something of jubilee in that annual autumnal beginning, as if last year’s mistakes had been wiped clean by summer.
Wallace Stegner, Angle of Repose
The time has, to a small extent, come. This next week heralds the missus’ return to work and, two weeks later, the kids will follow suit. A return to normalcy that, as I reflect on it, will be anything but.
Oh, the old patterns are certainly settling into place. Schedules are shifting earlier, routines are back on the menu, and the kids all have that sightly hidden build of apprehension and excitement. That’s all normal. What’s different this time around? It’s our last pre-high-school year. The last year with some sense of shelter before our oldest is put in with the wolves. Hyperbolic? Sure, but I can be afforded that every once in a while, can’t I?
Parenting is a funny thing. You do everything you can to get them as ready as possible, knowing full well it can never be enough. You build the foundations and pray you made them sturdy because, in the end, they’re the ones that are going to be handling the rest. Them, their friends, and their relationships. We play our parts, sure, and are always there as a correcting / guiding light when asked, but it’s our job to make these little dudes autonomous. To get them ready to face the world and survive it. To thrive, despite it.
And yes, I know I’m getting ahead of myself. He’s only going into eighth grade, not headed off to college, but hell if it all doesn’t move so fast. That’ll be here soon enough. Time is the most precious thing we have in this life, and I want to be sure I haven’t squandered it when I have these kiddos around. When they actually seem to want me around.
I can already feel myself beelining into a tangent, but hey, this is all here for stream-of-consciousness, right? I was planning on making this about new routines and stuff, but now that I’m focused on them I just can’t help but feel bad for all the people who’ve been convinced by our culture that kids hold us back. That we are, objectively, the most important things in our lives. This ever-present, ever-growing narcissism that borders on solipsism.
I forget where I head this line of thought – and I forget the exact quote, too – but it’s always held with me. Having kids opens up entirely new levels of emotional experience. We think we know the highs and the lows of life when we’re single, or even when we’ve found that significant other, but we can only know the borders in which we live. Once you’ve got that glorious, chubby mini-me and see how they grasp at the world with such wonder, with minds open to infinite possibilities, and you come to fully understand that much of where they’ll rise and fall depends on how you prepare them… man, the band of experience grows so much wider. Those things you thought were low become puddles to the ocean. And the highs? I can’t really even place them. And, again, they’re not even in high school yet. That band is going to keep growing as their lives continue on paths away from ours, as they pursue their own ways and achieve their own highs and lows.
Could the missus and I have had more things, had we chosen another path? Yeah, sure. We could have owned more, taken more trips, seen more things around the world. We would have had more time, too. Maybe I would have finished more writing and been able to take that up as a career path. Maybe she would have had the time to chase her higher education dreams or change careers, too. Not worth it. I can say that without hesitation. I suppose it’s easy to dismiss what you haven’t experienced, but I just… I’d never want a do-over. I’d never give them up. Those three are the greatest blessings we could have ever received, and my duty to ready them for their own joys is the most fulfilling thing I could ever do in this life.
Bit of a gush session, sorry about that. I’ve been doing what I can to spend more time with these little nerds and it’s been… well, it’s been exactly what it needed to be. Praise God for them.
As for any of you reading this who are teachers – best of luck as your summer break comes to a close. I hope this upcoming year treats you better than any before. Until next week, my lovely Dwellers.
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